Golden Era Game of the Week

[weehawk]

So basically what you are proposing is that whoever has to play what is by far the HARDEST stage the FEWEST times is the best? My new goal is to get a million playing only trapeze boards. That would obviously make me the least skilled player among them. That is completely illogical.

Why is it that people cannot co-hold a title? Hmmmmmmmmm?!?! Wait! I feel a Kelly Flewin moment coming on............

Thursday, March 22, 2005, Hollywood, Florida

Billy Mitchell reaches the kill screen on the Pac-Man machine standing in the corner of one his restaurants. There is a videocamera running over his right shoulder and a small throng of people surround him, including Chris Ayra. He deftly maneuvers through the screen, finally munching the last dot. His score is 3,333,360 in 2 hours, 57 minutes and 19 seconds. There is a brief round of applause, and Billy turns to Chris and says, "Beat that."

Wednesday, April 6, 2005, Hazelwood, Missouri

Douglas Loyd sits in front of his Pac-Man machine at his home. His months of effort to find a pattern to the one second boards finally pay off. As the timer reaches 4 hours, 3 minutes and 9 seconds, the scoreboard reads 3,333,360. He says to the camera running over his shoulder, "What a way to celebrate my birthday!" He boxes up the tape, and promptly sends it to Robert Mruczek. He then begins to tinker with alternate ninth key patterns.

Sunday, April 10, 2005, Hollywood, Florida

Chris Ayra brings his tape to Billy and proclaims, "I can't beat you. I used my patterns, and thought for sure I had you. My time was 2 hours, 57 minutes and 19 seconds." Billy exclaims, "Wow, that's amazing!! That's the exact time I had!!"

Thursday, April 28, 2005, Dallas, Texas

Mike Morrow records his newest video gaming achievement. The camera stops rolling after a little more than four hours. He proudly steps away from his Pac-Man machine. The score in the upper left corner reads "333,360"

Friday, April 29, 2005, Saint Paul, Minnesota

Tim Balderramos boxes up a videocassette which he plans to present to Walter Day at the Funspot tournament. The tape contains a Pac-Man game of 3,333,360 points. The time was 2 hours 57 minutes and 19 seconds.

Thursday, May 12, 2005, Salisbury, Maryland

A few weeks after completely recording a Super Pac-Man score of 22,486,190 points, Les Martin calls up Mike Ziara and Mr. X. and begins to confer with them his plans to beat Billy to his final feat. The three collaborate and soon have their master plan worked out. Along with Rick Carter, plans are made to go to Funspot to beat Billy at his own game. Little do they know, that Billy has already done his final feat.

Thursday, May 19, 2005, Hazelwood, Missouri

Douglas Loyd informs Walter Day that he will be travelling to Funspot to showcase what he believes will be a new record for fastest Pac-Man time. Walter informs him that several players have voiced the same opinion and will also be in attendance for the same purpose and it should be a spirited competition. The Funspot tournament will now include Billy, Chris, Douglas, Tim, Mike, Neil Chapman, Rick Fothergill, Dwayne Richard, and Les Martin - all playing Pac-Man for record time.

Thursday, June 2, 2005, Weirs Beach, New Hampshire

The players arrive at Funspot. Day one of the tournament begins. Each player has his patterns polished and ready to go. Ten machines were rented in anticipation of the rivalry. All claim they think they can get under three hours. It should be a spirited competition, indeed. Robert announces that over the last two weeks, he verified the times of Billy, Chris, and Tim. Each man used different patterns, but each man finished the game in 2 hours 57 minutes and 19 seconds. Players were astonished that not only had the three hour mark been beaten, but three people did it, AND they all had identical times! Five more players record perfect games on day one. All of them finish in 2 hours, 57 minutes and 19 seconds.

Friday, June 3, 2005, Funspot, Day Two

Billy Mitchell arrives early. By the time other people arrive to see him, he has been standing blindfolded in front of the game for two hours. 57 minutes and 19 seconds later, he finishes his game. A thunderous round of applause erupts. Over the din, Neil Chapman yells, "Look over here!!" Rick Fothergill is wrapping up a perfect Pac-Man game with his feet. His time is 2 hours, 57 minutes and 19 seconds. Neil, not to be outdone, grabs the controls of another Pac-Man machine with his teeth. He then plays a perfect game of Pac-Man in 2 hours, 57 minutes and 19 seconds.

Saturday, June 3, 2005, Funspot, Day Three

The hoard of confused Pac-Masters are growing visibly frustrated. Every one of them has a different set of patterns. Every one of them can get 3,333,360. Every one of them has achieved 2 hours, 57 minutes and 19 seconds. The players find Dwayne Richard with a Pac-Man joystick in each hand, playing both games simultaneously. He finishes both games at the same moment, after 2 hours 57 minutes and 19 seconds. Tim Balderramos then walks over and begins a Pac-Man game. After he reaches the ninth key, he drops a token in another machine and begins to play it with his free hand. He plays the games out of time with one another and finishes both games in 2 hours, 57 minutes and 19 seconds.
Douglas Loyd walks over to a Pac-Man machine and drops his token. As the theme song plays, he backs up ten feet. He then stares at controller and begins to make a horrific grimace. He begins to play using telekinesis and finishes the game in 2 hours, 57 minutes and 19 seconds. Everyone decides to adjourn to the pizzeria to grumble over what has become a yawnfest.

"This is remarkable," says Walter Day. "Twenty-seven players showed up to play Pac-Man and every single one of them finished in 2 hours 57 minutes and 19 seconds and they all had different patterns." Robert Mruczek exclaims, "And hey, what about that drunk guy that came in?! It's astonishing how he passed out at the controller on the first board and the movements his body made as he snored ended up scoring him a perfect game in 2 hours, 57 minutes and 19 seconds." Walter agrees. Les Martin chimes in. "I still can't get over how that four year old taught her pet chimpanzee to play a perfect game while swinging upside-down form a trapeze bar that fast." Walter says, "I never thought this would happen, but I guess that's the perfect time: 2 hours, 57 minutes and 19 seconds."

Rick Carter then slams his fist down on the table and yells, "NO! There has to be a winner!! Now how are we ever going to find out who the best Pac-Man player is?" Walter then reassures him, "We'll just to have to claim that no matter how you go about it, 2 hours, 57 minutes and 19 seconds is perfect." Rick exclaims, "But there MUST be a winner!! There can be no ties!!" A muffled popping sound is then heard. Neil Chapman asks, "Rick, did you just burp?" Rick responds, "No, but I think I am getting a headache from all of this."

A fly which had been eyeing the smorgasbord laid out before the players decides to make a fly-by. It begins to hover strangely around Rick's head. Dwayne says, "Rick, I think you have a new friend." The players laugh. The fly then goes into Rick's ear and Rick winces in pain. Another fly begins to make its way around the table and comes around the opposite side of Rick's head. The fly then disappears into that ear. Amazed, Douglas cries, "Holy crap! What are the odds of that happening?!" The napkin dispenser on the table begins to rattle. The players back up, confused. It then proceeds to fly off the table and smack Rick in the side of his head. It then contorts itself into a twisted metal pretzel and disappears into Rick's ear. Walter, in horror, walks up to Rick and asks, "What's going on?" Walter peers into Rick's aural canal, wondering where the items went. He is then picked up from the from and sucked into Rick's ear. "Oh my god, you killed Walter!! You bastard!!!" screams the entire koryphaios of players. They begin to scramble as things fly across the room and begin to disappear into the black hole that is now Rick's head.

Monday, June 5, 2005, Sacramento, California

Having lost most of the east coast and almost all of the working government, interim president Arnold Schwarzenegger declares a state of global emergency as the vortex that used to be Weirs Beach, New Hampshire is swallowing one mile of land every hour. Humanity is panicking.

Thursday, June 8, 2005, Remnants of the Russ Ice Shelf, Antarctica

Man's second-to-last mind has fused. The earth has now been completely swallowed by the "Carter phenomenon." The moon begins to draw nearer, as do the rest of the planets surrounding what used to be our sun. Over the next week, much of the Milky Way Galaxy will disappear into a singularity.

Stardate 6758.23, Tralfamador, Andromeda

Little Mezitch asks her father, (translated from Tralfamadorian,) "Daddy, when the fourth sun sets and I look into the night sky, what are those little arcs of light I see?" Zaphod responds, "That, sweetie, is a phenomenon called gravitational lensing. It is what happens when a black hole bends the light rays coming from the star behind it. That is the light from the star Doremus being bent by the black hole Carter-AE362. The gravitational force is so strong, it has already destroyed three galaxies." Elzitch inquires, "Daddy, will we be destroyed too?" Zaphod answers, "You and I will not be, but someday, this galaxy will be taken by its immense pull."

Fourtheenth day of the ninth month of the sixth year of the reign of Elshnor the Unfair, planet Norgblat, Tarflurk Galaxy

Elshnor grunts, "What that blackness?" His royal vizier proclaims, "That is the undoing of the universe. A paradoxical cataclysm occured thousands of years ago that has unraveled the whole of creation. This planet will soon inexorably be annihilated and all existence will be void." Elshnor retorted, "You smart. We die anyway. You get on barbecue. I hungry."

The end of time?

The last atomic particles have been sucked into the vacuum of Rick Carter's head. There is nothing left. All of what once was is no longer. What will become of Rick? What happens next? Who will hear his tales? Most importantly, who will beat 2 hours, 57 minutes and 19 seconds now? Rick thought and thought. With everything now contained in his head, formulating a plan would certainly be easy. It was not. For a thousand eons, Rick's mind searched for a single idea that could answer all of the above questions. Finally, the synapses sparked, and he opened his mouth and shouted into the chaos, "LET THERE BE LIGHT!!!"

(The preceding was a work of fiction.)

The above story has two morals.

1.) Rick Carter is NOT God, and 2.) A tie is NOT the end of the world!!!
_________________
Douglas Loyd
PS2 Tiger Woods series earnings (as of 1/10/05): $233,699,700

3,333,360 OR BUST!!
THE QUEST: 3,296,110 (12/23/04)
(That will be the second-to-last FULL game I ever play.)
_________________
John Cunningham (JTC)
Golden Era Game of the Week